I have a pending question: Is someone justified to getting upset over their significant other trying to put their past behind them? I believe in most cases, not. Sometimes though, they are just. Today I learned a lesson in this. Today, infact, marks the three-year anniversary of my father’s death.
Now, I was only fourteen years old when my father died and not too much earlier, I had ended a relationship that had lasted for almost a year and a half. Now many may say I was too young for a serious relationship, but I truly loved my boyfriend, and not a day goes by where I think about how badly I ruined things with him. Although I ripped his heart out, he never left my side from the second I told him I couldn’t go to the mall that day because my mother had just informed me of my father’s death the night before. He rushed to my house, and was with me everyday to just comfort me, make it known that I was not alone. He was with me the entire day of the wakes and of the funeral. I remember standing up from my chair, walking up to the casket that held my father’s lifeless body, and placing a white rose on top at the mausoleum. When I turned around, he was the first face in the crowd outside, watching me with his loving eyes. Now, three years later, we barely ever make so much as eye contact in the hallways at school, but everytime I look at him, I picture him standing there watching me, I picture my friends and family crying, I picture my father’s lifeless body…I can practically feel his ice cold body on my fingertips. It’s torture.
At the same time, a little over a year ago I met the man who I am now madly in love with. The second I layed my eyes on him, I knew that I would fall for him, as stupid and stereotypical as that sounds. He’s the last angel that I have now that Grandpa Lou, Daddy, and Grandpa Pete are forever gone. He’s always there for me, no matter what happens. He treats me like every woman should be treated. He’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. In August of this year, I took him to the mausoleum with me for the first time, told him he’s the only one I ever wanted to go with.
Here’s where my lesson was taught: this morning I brought my ex there with me. Now two nights ago when I made the decision to go with him, I felt I had to do this in order to move on from my past. So I wouldn’t picture my father’s funeral everytime I saw his face. It was something that I needed to do, whether I wanted to or not. When I told my love this yesterday, he became very short with me and wouldn’t even admit he was upset. He would barely talk to me, and eventually wouldn’t. I didn’t understand how he could get so upset over something like that since he, too, has things like that he must do to move on in his life. Mind you, yesterday was Christmas Day. I was lying on the floor of my grandmother’s balcony for hours crying, and nobody seemed to care. Hell, most didn’t even notice I had disappeared. I was told to get over myself when someone finally noticed I was upset while downstairs. I had nobody to talk to. Not my family, not the love of my life. I was alone.
This morning while in the car with my ex on the way to the mausoleum, the only thing on my mind was how much I was going to regret doing this. I wanted to just turn around and go home. Now, after talking to my love, he told me I can’t tell him anything such as he’s the only one I would take. But I still, and always, will. It’s the truth. If I didn’t do what I did this morning, I would have continued to be tortured with images of my father’s corpse on a daily basis. I always seem to screw up at the worst times.
Now I have to resort to telling random people throughout [the world] my story in order to calm me down. My only prayer is that this morning is worth it in the long run and everything goes well with my love. I will willingly deal with any punishment from my actions that are just if it means I will always have him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and honestly, nothing will get in my way.
